Gifts

When speaking of gifts I'm thinking of what I can give unto others.


I'm not good with words nor with my hands. I can not say things that will flatter you into liking me nor make items that are so adorably cute that will cause you to associate that cuteness with me.


I can not say the right things in the right manner...
Nor can I make things as well as others.


All I have to give is this Love that God has and is continually giving me.
Without this Love I would be blind.
My hope is that I will be able to love the way He did... er, does.


"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails..." I Corinthians 13:4-8...


I have much to work on, but Thank You, Lord.


* {Always be sure to read the chapter before, the chapter it refers to, and the chapter after when referring to Biblical text^^)v}

Life is like art class

I forget the professor's name, but the man had some insightful things to say about art and life in general. Anyways, I took his course at Moorpark College during summer. We had been working with charcoal for landscape drawings. We were on a hill that oversaw the quiet town of Moorpark. On the hill was a dried out bush. Of course, the bush was in my view of the town and mountains in the distance, but I was compelled to draw this almost dying bush. As a horrible artist I kept on drawing over my mistake, which resulted in a very awkward, burly bush. He said it wasn't always about adding things to a painting, drawing, or sketch to make things look better. Sometimes you already have what you need, plus some extra you could do without. He suggested I make some clean-edged erasures. It worked. The bush, though dead, seemed lively in its remake.


Life isn't always about the "adding" or "getting" of things. I need this. I want that. I'll get it when...
Sometimes it's about taking the things out that take your focus off of life.


I have all I need in life. I just need to use it well.


Faith. Hope. Love. It's all I need.
I'm just so thankful God has given me more blessings than should be given i.e. family, friends, health, opportunities, etc.


* {Thank you for the things I am not yet aware of, God.}


[edit:]


I pray because I believe. I believe because He answers.
He may not answer in a way we are used to nor in a time frame we desire.
For some, it is a matter of taking the time to listen to Him... and for others it won't make sense.

Talking to myself

I pray, and I believe.
I believe because I prayed. I prayed every day for *counts* 6...7...8..9?
Almost nine years I prayed for forgiveness. Forgiveness of my own sins along with the guilt of not forgiving those who sinned against me... thinking of mainly my father.
And, while the scars remain, the pain still real if I close my eyes and recollect the nights I wished I was an orphan rather than have two parents who no longer loved each other.. I am forgiving him. The "-ing" part is important.  Forgiveness is not a one time thing. I learned this the hard way.


And now, I've come to realize that while I've been praying for this, I forgot about other important things. So I'll pray for those things, too. I pray because I believe.
If I ever. ever. have doubt.. I'll believe again because I prayed.


* {He will make a way...}

Resisting temptation

I am seriously considering living in Europe for a bit finding any ESL job I can.
I shall resist the urge for now as I plan on going to grad school within the next year or two -- hopefully.


And yet I can't shake the feeling I should/want to live in at least 2-3 more different countries.
Is that bad? >.<


* {Inspiration is amazing. Just gotta use/apply it well.}

Reasons I must return

I already made the decision to return to the states in February, but every once in a while I get the feeling that I could stay in Korea longer -- having lots of job opportunities that would be almost too perfect for me isn't making it any better e.g. a coordinator position opened up for the headquarters of the TaLK program, but I decided not to apply for it. I'll be stuck in Korea. Too happy and complacent here.  I need to get back to the real world, start working on my non-existent career, and see my family and friends!


So..


I'm creating a list of things I miss back home to remind me why I must return to the states.


Starting off:

• Laundry. Washers here destroy my clothes, and dryers are non-existent.
• Non-moldy apartments and buildings.  The summer in Korea is super humid, so there is tons of black mold alllllll over Korea. *coughcough*
• Variety of food.  A fellow 5th gen who went back home to Illinois in September ended up visiting LA the past week.  I recommended a bunch of places to eat to which he ate at most of the places.  Just makes me miss eating those types of non-Korean, but fatty foods. Thai food, sushi, Yogurtland (Red Mango if there is any of those left!), Mexican food, etc.
• Oh, asked my friend, Ian, what I should add to the
  His reply:
  Me.
  Michael.
  Prentice.
  Sharmin.
  <3
  Haha, I didn't think I'd say this about him, but wutta cutie. The response, not him specifically ㅋㅋㅋ :P
• Which reminds me: Na-Jean, Gene-Young, sister, brother/sis-in-law, mother, AND other family members.. oh and, of course, my wonderful second family (i.e. my friends!)
• What else? Oh yeah, being able to flush down the toilet paper instead of tossing it in the trash. Not sure how I went from thinking of family to toilets... oh, well.
• SoCal weather!
• Lack of mosquitoes! I got so many bites (20+?) in a single week that I think I started growing an immunity to its bites i.e. I don't swell up anymore, and it's not as itchy.

Will add more. Currently writing my TaLK essay on why I love Korea ㅋㅋㅋㅋ~~

* {I could've created a "what I don't like about Korea," but let's try to be positive for once!}

Transition already!

Other than the pivotal role it plays in Jurassic Park (the movie),
I really don't see why mosquitoes exist. What is the purpose of such an insect?


My dad, who visits me every once in a while in my tiny one-room apartment >.<, just killed one about 20 minutes ago when I mentioned I got bit 3 times last night. I could only tell where it had been by the blood mark on the wall. THAT'S MY BLOOD!


Gave me such joy to know that it had been killed. Thanks, Dad <3


Oh, and the title of this post is in reference to mosquitoes, too.. sorta.
It's already October, but I'm still getting bit by mosquitoes? It's fall.
Mosquitoes are a summer thing, so DIE ALREADY.


I'm not as annoying as I may sound. This is just another rant, and I know it's illogical.
It's just to keep me sane for the rest of the world^^


Here's to getting back to the real world where people have depression, financial strife, and family with (terminal) illnesses. Here's to faith, hope, and love that can survive through all these things. Time for prayer.


* {We care.}

When when when?

I remember when the world was getting ready for Y2K, and it's already nearing the end of 2011.

Why mention any of this? I was looking into job positions around the world for full-time ESL teachers. Some positions would have to be filled soon, but I wouldn't be able to apply since I'm currently finishing up my contract in Korea (ends in January next year). Then I stumbled upon a teaching position in Chile and another in Japan that seemed viable. It would start sometime early 2012. Just enough time for me to go back home to the states, spend time with family, and then travel again. Oh wait, I forgot it's 2011. My contract ENDS end of January 2012. Grah. I'd basically be travelling from Korea to whatever country I applied/was accepted to >.<

I finally got my TESOL certificate. I'm happy I got it, but at the same time it's just fueling my desire to travel the world. I also do want to get more teaching experience. I want to work with a range of ages and cultures, especially in other countries. Aiya!! Decisions decisions!!

For now, I suppose I should just look into education grad programs where I teach abroad. Sounds like a good mix I suppose... Blah~ I'm ranting again. Bye.

*{Yay for fall/winter clothes!}

Growing means learning.. not hating

I just wanted to state something simple that needs to be reiterated over time. Though simple and oftentimes, redundant.. it still holds true:


Sometimes we have to get hurt before we can get better.


And.. it's been such a long journey -- though it's not over yet.
I feel that when I talk, argue, and anything remotely close enough to discussing my family's issues (includes my father's side, my mother's side, and immediate family), it seems like people are always pitting one or the other person as the "bad" one when really.. we all made mistakes. I guess when I was younger I was easily swayed by people's gossip of one or another. It made me either like them more (+ points) or detest them more (- points). Now, I try my best to listen and see things for how it was/is. Both sides have their valid reasons for having done what they did, but they also are at fault.


I'm no saint either, but I'm trying hard to stay... logically emotional? Emotionally logical? I want to heal my heart, but remain as sane as possible.


Anyways, I'm glad I'm in Korea. I'm even glad my dad visits me as much as it pains me somehow. We're slowly getting closer again. It's not the same, and I'm not sure if I'll be comfortable enough to go to him in tears, but at least we can talk about it. He's giving me the time and space to heal. Now that was only... 7+ years of prayer? Just gotta keep on praying.. and pray for the rest of my family, too.


* {Pray Until Something Happens.. and then some~ <3}

Faith. Hope. Love.

All that resentment, hate, pain.. and everything that went along with it. There's a reason I forgot it.

It's so that I could hold onto my faith, not give up on hope, and find the love that is missing in my life.

I need to give it up to God. No matter how vulnerable and powerless I am, I know that He will find a way.

Just like how he helped me get over my anger and ARGH-ness with my dad (still getting over it, but doing way better than I thought).. I know it is possible through Him. I just gotta hand over my hope to Him.

Btw, I forgot to say thank you, God, for everything you have given, presented, bestowed upon me.
Everything has made me who I am.

I can do it!

*{It always goes back to God.}

Purpose

I remember a specific moment when a close friend of mine asked me if I believed everything had a purpose.
The naive child version of me would've said, "Yes. Everything has a purpose. It was meant to be that way."

I'll admit that I am still naive, but I grew to change my answer:

Whether something was supposed to happen or not, everything is given a purpose. Some things are bad and, honestly, shouldn't have happened... But because it happened, something came out of it. We give things purpose. God gave us a purpose.

Don't let mistakes,mishaps, misunderstandings, miscellaneous be a waste. Learn from it. Gain from it.

*{Don't ever mock prayer.}

Cram culture

For me: Feels like the week before finals week.

For my friend GSG: Feels like the week after :D

I'm heading home in 10 days, but I don't have time to process it all. I'm slowly, yet sometimes all too quickly that it's almost anxiety attack inducing, realizing I get to see my family and friends relatively soon.

It's already been a year.

So here are updates since Sunday:

My dad calls me Sunday night to tell me he'll be arriving in Korea Monday evening to permanently move back here. Not a huge surprise, but didn't know his exact flight date. It was always a... something that would eventually happen, just dunno when. My brother, sis-in-law, and kiddies were at the airport to send my father off, so I got the chance to talk to them on the phone for a bit, too. I found out from Helen unnie (not my brother or father) that I got a car!

It's a long story as to why my dad decided to give me the car that was given to my brother (by my uncle), but the basic idea is.that.I.now.have a car! One less thing to worry about when I go home to the states^^;

List of to-do things:

• Get background check/fingerprints
• Get F4 visa (probably will just get this done in LA)
• PACK!
• Ship things to a friend's place
• PACK
• Make one round of cheesecakes for the kids at school.. this time add more sugar for 'em (I made it too *healthy* last time :)
• Prom night in Jeonnam!
• Mud festival in Boryeong
• TEFL HOMEWORK!!! *eek*
• PACK PACK PACK~

Is it okay to start freaking out now?

*{Nothing like spitting out spoiled milk to wake you up in the morning. BLEGH >.<}

Feelin' good

So it sucks to have accidentally missed a payment for something.. that feeling lingers with you for a couple days.

On the other hand, I just realized that I paid off both my credit cards while here in Korea. SWEET!

I still have my school loan to pay off, but I think I made enough progress to celebrate for the day.

Oh, and I need to think of gift ideas for family/friends back home, but what? I want something meaningful, but not too tacky. Something nice, but not fragile (as I will be flying back home w/ this stuff).

Something awesome, but can fit inside my luggage bag. This will be a doozy~

The hardest is what to get my aunts and uncles?!??

*{Thank you, God, for giving me the opportunities to become patient.}

Vacations

Tranquil as a forest, but on fire within.

Once you find your center.. you are sure to win!

Sometimes I think my younger self had better composure than my current self. Why?

My eyes are tearing up when it comes to the scene where we found out that Shang's father, General Li, has died in battle.

So getting back to reality:

This weekend I'm going to Jeju Island with the Jeonnam TaLK crew <3

Part of the TaLK funds are granted for these cultural experiences, which means a lot of travelling to see various temples, folk villages, etc.

I <3 Jeju. If I haven't mentioned it before, I've always wanted to live on an island (I think it's also why I want to apply to grad schools in Hawaii). If I'm going to live in Korea, why not Jeju? But alas, God's plans led me elsewhere, which I am quite thankful for.

We were originally supposed to go earlier this month, but flights for 50+ people were hard to arrange, so we are going 4th of July weekend (i.e. the weekend before it).

I've spent the past 5 years of my life helping out at a convention during 4th of July weekend. First four were for Anime Expo and the last one was Club2theMAX (or MAX?.. I don't quite remember, but it ended up being a pre-cursor to this year's AM^2). As much as it thrills me to work 16+ hours each day for what seems like a month squeezed into a measly 4-5 days... I can subside those urges.

It's WHO I spend that time with that's got to me.

This feeling almost reminds me of how I felt during the holiday season (i.e. Thanksgiving, birthdays, Christmas, New Years). It was the hardest thing I've had to do while I've been in Korea: staying away from family. And missing this year's con means missing out on... *gish* how I sum it all in a string of words?

This is the only time I get to actually see some people. (The rest I see on a far too often basis ㅋㅋㅋ.)

Even though we only see each other one week out of the year, we've become so close; we're family <3

And not seeing them is like.. GAH! Not getting to work with them, sharing in their strife, listening to their rants, conquering obstacles together, congratulating the work others have done, and creating laughs because we're all really childish at heart... it's a lot of GAH!

Anyways, I guess I just wanted to say how I'm thankful to have a distraction this weekend. A great one at that! I'll be going to Jeju with another family of mine: Jeonnam TaLK family!

*{Watching Disney's Mulan while drinking hot cocoa -- but wait, it's summer! That's why the AC is on^^}

Prayer

Add to my list of goals:

Become a prayer warrior.

*{Faith. Hope. <3}

Summer

Summer in Korea is like a giant 찜질방 (i.e. hot and humid like a sauna).

I used to think summer in Korea was horrendous compared to SoCal, but then I forgot about the humidity, grossly huge bugs, and the rain showers.

Even though it can get hotter in SoCal, I end up sweating a lot more in Korea 'cause of the darn humidity.

I suppose I should consider the "glass half full" aspect of it: at least it's better for your skin.

The HUGE upside of Korean winter is that all the bugs DIE or go into some sort of hibernation, so there aren't annoying bugs that range from tiny little gnat-like flying critters to huge junebug-like beetles that somehow aim for my face while I'm walking ㅠ.ㅠ But it's summer now, so all those bugs are out and about.

Oh yeah, can't forget 'em mosquitoes. I guess I'm sensitive enough to the point where my bite mark remains swollen for up to two weeks after the bite.

And the rain... you think the rain would be a relieve from the hot summer. It's completely opposite. It's HOTTER and more humid. You walk around in shorts or a skirt when it's POURING RAIN~~~* I guess it's better than wearing soaked jeans, but it's a strange concept for me. You should be wearing warm clothing when it rains, not less.

I miss SoCal weather where it's summer 80-90% of the year. We're so spoiled XD

O well, one more month until I'm on a plane headed home!!! Now, just gotta figure out where I'm gonna crash in SoCal... *tinkerthinkthink*

*{So much more productive when I get home an hour earlier than normal^^;}

Oh, Korea~

I'm considering going for a jog now, but the thought of running into drunken smoker Koreans bothers me.

There are many reasons why I love Korea, and, very sparingly, there are moments when I can see myself living here permanently. Oh, and then there's *reluctant smirk*... reasons like above why I couldn't live here.

Here's what I can remember of what I "like/love" and "put up with/hate" about Korea:

• Like: being able to go for a walk/run even at midnight and not stress too much about being attacked.
  If anything, I feel confident in beating up a lotta Koreans XD Seriously though, I even see little kids walking around til 10pm on there own -- I don't condone this, but just elaborating on how much safer it is in Korea than say, oh~, LA.
• Dislike: wondering if I'll run into drunk Koreans because it's a Saturday night and people of all ages go partying, sadly.
  
  
• Like: four seasons -- I thought it's funny how we were taught that trees change color in fall, snow falls in winter, flowers bloom in spring, and the sun shines in summer 'cause it's summer about 90% of the time in SoCal^^;
• Dislike: weather changes so quickly and drastically. Winter is super cold while summer is super hot and humid. Spring is amazing, but short. Autumn is pretty, but can get pretty chilly (only in comparison to the super hot summer preceding it).
  
  
• Like: Koreans are friendly. You'll run into amazing people grocery shopping, hiking, walking to work, etc. They are open to conversation, willing to take you out for coffee, hold onto your bag on the bus (if you're standing and it seems you're having trouble carrying your heavy bag or have a lot of other things to hold. The nice thing is that you don't expect them to steal your stuff like I would if it was LA :P)
• Dislike: Koreans are unfriendly. You'll also run into those who are grumpy for life and will find any reason not to like you. Oh, you're a foreigner, you're a girl, you have eyes, you speak English, etc. Some people who seem friendly are really this latter type. They're only nice to you because they want to get something from you, but once you've fulfilled your purpose they show their true selves.
  
  
• Like: Public transportation -- you can get pretty much anywhere you need to using buses, trains, subway, and taxis. It's reliable and cheap(er than the states)! There are flat-screen LCD TVs on all the buses that travel between provinces.
• Dislike: Korean people don't know how to drive. Sure, they are way better reverse park-ers than I'll ever be, but they can.not.drive.
  
  
• Like: Things are cheaper in Korea. Taxes are built into the cost when you pay for things, and there's no tipping!
• Dislike: Since the standard of living is lower in Korea, minimum wage is super low, too. I always try to purchase my groceries like fruits and vegetables from the halmunees on the street to help support the local people (though they must likely commuted from the country side to get here).
  
  
• Like: Bathroom stalls have no huge cracks where it's possible to peep on others >.<
• Dislike: It seems that all Korean bathrooms smell the same. Okay, that's not true, but it ranges between smelling like wet mold, gross cleaning supplies, urine, smoke, or a strange combination of these smells.
  

There are plenty more things to write, but I'll leave it for another time. Let's just say the above list is my love hate list of Korea #1.

*{A little over a month until I go home and see my family! <3}

Hopeful versus optimistic

What does it mean to be optimistic when you don't believe in a greater power?

I forget what the exact difference is between being painfully optimistic versus being ever so hopeful -- but there is something. [My high school junior English teacher gave a talk in chapel about it, and it's always stuck with me even though the teacher doesn't remember having me as his student. I know because I visited the campus once as a senior in college^^]

It had something to do with..

Optimism is taking the other option that isn't sadness, so you act happy. You smile, and say good things will happen.

Hope, as long as it's mixed with faith, is trusting that God has laid out a plan for you that will glorify His name and bring you happiness (though it may sometimes cause you strife and tears.. referring to Ecclesiates.. "a time for everything").

I hit my all time low many times in the past specially during high school and college. I no longer will hit that all-time low in my life because I know God is with me, and I've begun to trust in Him again.

I am currently afraid that certain family members are hitting their all time lows... and a lot of their problems resemble mine. It hurts to see them in pain, and it hurts even more so because I know what their pain feels like. I will continue to be there as a "shoulder to lean on," give tough love advice when it comes down to it, and pray pray PRAY for them, but it's up to them how they want to handle the situation: with graceful humility and great compassion or bitter anger and painful tears.

I hope they realize that no matter what kind of pain that has been incurred upon them by others that there is one constant in their lives: God's love. There is a better future out there waiting to happen. Just trust in Him.

*{Prayer is one of the best gifts you can give me and others. I don't need material things. Just pray for each other.}

Home in > 38 days

If there ever were a time when I could write, it'd probably have been when I was in high school XP

It's been 10.5 months of living in a foreign country.

You'd think by now my Korean was fluent, but it's not. So I'm going to stay another 6 months after my contract is up (i.e. I'm signing onto another half-year contract once I found out about the results of my extension application). Hopefully this time.. I'll be placed in 시골!!! Or literally, the countryside. I love 광주. Gwangju has become a 2nd 2nd home to me. [I have too many homes (LA, Oxnard, Seoul, SD, etc).]

But~~ it is still a city, and it can get a bit overwhelming at times.

Okay, do not assume I am a sheltered lil' girl who gets flustered at every new thing thrown at her.

I mean.. would I really request to go to the COUNTRYSIDE if I wasn't able to handle myself^^? I'd be alone there where shops, hopefully, close at 8pm (though chances are it may close at 5 or 6pm). My home back in the states is LA. One of 'em at least. And LA.. sadly has made me a meaner person. I needed a break, which is why I came to Korea through the TaLK program. It's designed to place scholars in rural areas, so children in those areas can be exposed to different cultures and learn English from a native speaker. While my school is in a pretty rural area where some days all you smell is d-d-o-n-g (poop) no matter what part of town you walk in... the apartment I live in is in south Gwangju. Albeit Gwangju is itself considered 시골, it is still a metropolitan city. It'll definitely grow exponentially in the next 10 years.

Climbed Mudeungsan: One for the bucket list.

Oh, and instead of re-posting my Korea bucket list... how about a to-do list of things to do when I go back to SoCal for a mere two weeks of summer vacation?

2011 SoCal to-do list:

• Hug and kiss my nieces and nephews!!! <3
• Hug my other family members XD
• Apply for F4 visa at the Korean embassy
• Eat the following foods: Thai, Japanese(mainly sushi), Cuban, Vietnamese, Indian, Mexican!!!! (burritos, carne asada, chips n salsa, quesadillas, and more!), Yogurtland (just 'cause it's tradition w/ friends), dried mangoes!, REAL cheesecake, Subways (I miss sandwiches!), and anything else that comes to mind
• Bake the following foods: cookies, cupcakes/cakes, cheesecake
• Go for a drive and possibly SPEED with the windows rolled down, music blasting, and crazy dancing
• Oh, the last one reminds me of... Ride a bike! (Also, possibly ride Rambo's motorcycle kuahaha~~ he'd be the main dude though, and I'd just be piggy backing, but that's cool, too)
• GO SHOOTING!
• Meet and hang out with as many family and friends as possible (possibly hug them until they can't breathe for a while after)
• This may be cheesy, but I want to hit up a Dave & Buster's at one point in time. I really like arcades. Not that we don't have any in Korea.. there are SO many here, but it's different playing with family and friends.
• Oh, doi!! See 4 very loved ones get married. Um, not all to each other. It's a double wedding <3
• I will add more when it comes to mind.

*{Lifehouse has amazing music <3}

Off the mark

I understand there is a problem with planning things out toooo strictly, but it helps to have some general idea of what you're working towards: a goal.

These goal posts help remind you why you do what you are doing, and I'm currently derailed from what I was aspiring to become. Got to find my way back to Him.

I find that I will fail this in the first few weeks... weak that I am. But I pray continuously that I'll gain the courage for these set of words that will be added to my lifetime goal:

Share the gospel with at least one person a day.

Whether or not the person has already "heard" it before or not.. if I really believe what I believe, then why am I keeping it to myself? If I say what I say, but not walk the walk, what does that say of me? I am failing as a child of God if I can not keep to this goal.

*{Faith. Hope. <3}

blahBLAHblah

I DO talk too much. I am so much of a talker that it's weird when I don't talk.

I'm a better listener if the other person talks more than me.

Trying not to talk so much, so short post :]

*{MUST REALLY get on the school's case about letting me use the budget for MY CLASSES for school supplies and prizes instead of using my own money. I mean, I love the kids, but I'm broke :P}

Expectations

Goals and expectations have a lot of overlap, but strikingly important differences... at least to me^.^

What goals and expectations have in common:

• Both are hopes for the future
• Both are often strong motivators
• There's probably more, but I just can't think of any right now

Why they're different:

Goals: Think big picture. No matter what happens, big or small, it's about what happens in the end. I am not trying to sound pragmatic nor am I condoning doing whatever is necessary. My intention is to say that you should not be disheartened at whatever roadblock that comes in the way or if something does not go as one had hoped. Just overcome it and reach your goal.

Expectations: Think... disappointment when you don't get what you had hoped. Expectations can be the tiniest or things or the biggest. It itself can be a goal. Expectations are good because by no means should people lower their expectations just because they are too afraid to succeed. I do believe, however, people often have unrealistic expectations whether they realize this or not.

I really don't know where I was going with this post. I guess I'm annoyed at myself for having so many stupid expectations that are mostly out of habit rather than anything justifiable.

*{Slowly improving my TKD kicks~ Need to work on my balance during my roundhouse and reverse turn kicks >.< Reminds me~~ Goal: I want to get my black belt by the time I return to the states in 2012.}

Two months left

So what was a "Happy One, Two, Three.. Month(s) Anniversary" of being in Korea it's now become a.. "Only two months left until I go home!"

Of course, it's only a vacation. I'll be home in SoCal for a couple weeks of family and friends time, musicals, and great weather!

I would post more, but my brain is hurting. I may need to take a nap.

*{Slow Fade by Casting Crowns would probably be on my life soundtrack.}

Slow Fade

Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade

Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day

Oh be careful little eyes what you see
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh be careful little eyes what you see

-- Slow Fade by Casting Crowns --

*{Just had to come back on to post the lyrics... Felt it hit true for me.}

Staying in

"Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead."

II Corinthians 1:9

We are weak human beings. Even as I am posting this I had an urge to watch Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman versus posting this post i.e. spending more quiet time with God. Thankfully I decided to post this instead and ended up finding a cool vid of Casting Crowns's "Who Am I" song.

It saddens me to think that many of us are brought closer to God only because we are going through some sort of trial or another, but then again.. why not? As it says in the verse, it "happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God." It's sort of the way my family and I were brought closer together. If it were not for all the tears and the pain, we definitely would not enjoy our laughters as much nor with each other as often. I'm just thankful that I hold my family so dearly. Others seem to love their family, but not know them well. I have the pleasure of getting to know who they are and loving them for who they are; not just because they're my family. They have accepted me for who I am and love me regardless.

I just hope that my family can return to God.. have a strong foundation as they once had. I can not know what kind of relationship they have with God nor is my relationship any less rockier, but I can pray for the well-being of their lives as well as mine. And I do not mean worldly well-being.. I am struggling with the thought of being another citizen of this world or an ambassador of God. I really don't care for such things as beauty, purses, and what others think of me... but somehow I do desire worldly things like a faster computer, better camera, movies to watch, etc. I really wish I didn't...

I don't care for having a job that pays. I want a career that God has set aside for me whether it means teaching at an elementary school in Korea or backpacking across the world with nothing, but a Bible to share the good news.

So many things can be done with words.. I'm afraid to say the wrong things or have the worst timing.

But what more could I lose that hasn't already been lost?

God loves you whether you know, think, or believe he does/doesn't exist.

*{It's not because of who I am, but because of what He's done. Not because of what I've done, but because of what He is.}

Standing firm

A couple verses that stood out during my daily QT (quiet time i.e. Bible study/reading time).

I Corinthians 15:33

Do not be misled: "Bad company corrupts good character."

I Corinthians 15:58

Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

*{I want to find excuses to discuss God's love with other people.. any kind of discussion would be great as long as I get to talk about Him. I guess I shouldn't need an excuse. Less caring about what others think. More doing! God loves you!}

Productivity

On days when I'm lethargic...

in moments of grief...

in feelings of depression...

we need to remind each other that we must remain productive no matter what.

If not for others...

If not for ourselves...

Then for the glory of God.

I've been lazy... too lazy. I have grown a lot while in Korea. I've learned from my many experiences here. My eyes are less clouded though I'm still blind to many things. Today brought me great sadness, but also gave me the strength and purpose to do more.

Things on my mind today (some of this was posted previously):

• My mom has been showing signs of unhappiness lately (different than the norm), which has been worrying Helen unnie and my sister.. and then I find out my brother never liked her bf in the first place, which gets me VERY worried. I wish I was a better judge of character to know whether a person was good or not... :/
• My father and sister have been arguing a lot more lately
• My brother and Helen unnie ended up not getting the house they were supposed to get because the loan they applied for didn't get through (EVEN THOUGH the loan office PROMISED on MULTIPLE occasions that it would/"DID" go through~)
• As a result of my mom's unhappiness and my brother's house fall-out, my brother thought the best option would be to look for another house -- one for him, his family, my mom, and me
• My father is returning to Korea in a couple of months (this is more of a plus)

Now.. the last time I REALLY lived with my mom was when I was in high school (I'm not considering the times I went home on the weekend or vacation during my undergrad years). It was emotionally, spiritually, and physically draining/painful. I know she's better now, but by how much? *Sigh* I know it makes the most sense. My brother and mother argue all the time... I also argue with my mother a lot, but my mother loves spending time with us. I do love her.. I really do. It's hard to see myself living with her again w/o damaging myself again. *breathe* If my brother, Helen unnie, the kids, and I split up spending time with my mom.. it'll be good for her.

The other part that worries me is.. what the heck have I been doing in Korea all this time? I barely saved any money in Korea. I think I can pay off my school loans by the time I go back to the states in July, but that isn't saying much. I've been spending my money on too many frivolous things. I guess this reality check with my brother has got me to re-think my spending habits. I thought I was doing well, but not well enough. I need to start saving up to help my family get a house by next year.

I cried my eyes out, prayed my heart out, sang my lungs out, then took a nap 'cause I was beginning to get a headache.

I woke up to the sound of a friend who I hadn't seen in a while calling my phone.

I didn't answer at first, but got up four minutes later and called her back. We ended up having lunch since she had a doctor's visit near me. It was a good 3-4 hours of eating, talking, laughing, and chilling. Yummy spaghetti and 녹차 팥빙수 (green tea Korean shaved ice) were had. Helped me to forget my worries for a bit.

She had also already started on the job search for when she'll return back to the states at the end of July. Got me to thinking how lazy I've been in the anything search. She's not only thinking about what jobs she wants, but doing the actual research to see how she can make it happen. Granted, it's hard to do interviews while in Korea, she's doing the best she can.

So.. my goal by the time I return back to the states in July:

• Finish 75%-100% of TEFL course
• Finish TaLK extension application (I'd have to by next week ;P)
• Finish UHM/Grad school application essays (I'd need to get letters of rec, so I'll get those at a different time :)
• Finish other applications (Americorps, Peace Corps?, etc.)

I can do it!!! 할 수 있어! Si se puede!!!!!! できます!!!

Random tangent: Reminds me of (multiple) conversations I've had about winning the lottery. If I did, I'd spend it immediately on paying off my family's debts (including my extended family because that's how we roll <3).. my friends' debts ('cause there are many who have been through the same/similar/worse than me)... donate to some organizations, invest some, and then spend the rest on being able to volunteer across the globe. Travelling gets tiring after a while and 귀찮아 (troublesome), but volunteering is usually tiring and yet, always worth it.

*{My tail bone is about 80-90% healed. Please heal soon, so I can do tae kwon do again! Oh, I finally remembered all of tae guk 1장!}

Robots and tigers...

Do you believe that dreams hold a meaning?

I had a dream in which there were people escaping from rogue floating orb-like robots, which vaguely resembled the Deathstar.... oh, and there was a final garden of tigers we'd have to pass. We, as in.. what I can assume are two different entities that represent myself.. a fat chubby man and a young, innocent girl, are the only *survivors.* Everyone else runs from panic or decides to fight these strange things, but I, as the girl, realize that you don't need to do anything. Just believing that God is watching over you is enough (I guess I kept thinking about Daniel in the lion's den over and over in my dream). The fat man somehow ends up following the girl in one of his escapes and realizes her newfound secret, which wasn't really a secret. She was telling everyone else, but they had all run away. She walks past the robots.. it's as if she is invisible to them.. The tigers on the other hand are a different story. The man thinks he should walk on the periphery of the garden containing at least a dozen tigers, but it only makes them more agitated. The girl continues to walk through the tigers and begins to sing a song... I forget which one, but I think it was a song we used to sing at OKUMC.... the man's increasing fear/knowledge of his eventual death somehow leaked into the girl's mind... The one who was so sure at the beginning ended with one drop of doubt before she reached the end. No, the tigers didn't get her, but the dream ended before I could find out.

So, I ended up Skyping with my family finally.

It's a 4-day weekend for me here in Korea because we get an extra Mon-Tues. off for Buddha's Birthday, which seems ironic 'cause why would Buddhists celebrate his birth birth..doesn't that mean he's a "he" and a "man" and not a "Buddha." There's a beginning and end to him? Defining boundaries? *???* There are aspects of Buddhism I can relate to since it's similar to Christianity, but other aspects make me all confuddled.

Anyways~ I found out some distraught news from my brother, and it got me to break down in tears after the session was over. I haven't done this much crying since I first got to Korea. Before then? Back when I was in the States. Coming to Korea I'm a bit "stress-free," but none of the problems from back home changed. I either don't know what's going on or I have Korea to distract me.

My mom may be in a relationship with a questionable man, which causes our family to worry about her safety.

I can no longer move in with my sister in San Diego because.. well, you don't need to know (nothing bad though).

My brother and his family (wife, two kids) couldn't get the house they wanted because of horrible practices of a certain loan lender.

My brother thinks, and I don't like that he's right on this, him, his family (wife, two kids), my mother, and I should move in together into a house when I come back from Korea.

*breathe*

Oh, yeah~ my father and sister are on terrible terms now. He is also planning on returning to Korea permanently in the next two months. In a sad fortunate way.. I'm happy he'll be in Korea (in a selfish way... more for the well-being of my family than for his happiness). I just need to make sure we have as little as many family reunions during the rest of my time in Korea.

*sigh* I sound horrible and miserable, but.. while it seems like a time of mourning, I know our family will pull through whatever crap is thrown at us, and yes, A LOT has been thrown at us. Once we get over one obstacle.. we realize that it was one minute piece of a giant hole we've been in... We can do it!!!

God will make a way. He always has.

God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength
For each new day
He will make a way
He will make a way

By a roadway in the wilderness
You lead me
And rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and earth will fade
But His Word will still remain
He will do something new today

-- Don Moen

*{I guess no camera for me. Need to start saving up for that *house* we'll be getting..eventually.. hopefully.}

The day I became 70

It's more than just limping. I can't bend my back over at certain angles otherwise there's a pain that strikes my spine like a tiny lightning bolt. I hurt my tail bone while wearing worn down chucks with no traction and falling down a flight of wet granite stairs.

In actuality, the movements I make are more similar to that of a pregnant woman, but if I made a post titled "The day I became pregnant," people would get the wrong idea. Getting back to my movements.

In order to dissolve the pain my back needs to be at a 90 to 180+ degree angle with my legs. If I bend over to reach for my keys that have fallen on the ground.. I have to bend my legs first like a ballerina doing a plie exercise and, while my back is still straight, reach down for the pair of keys that would be my doom. If I happen to lean forward to look for where the keys are... *ZZZZZZZZZZAP* pain.

It seemed like fate that Ceara and I planned to a 찜질방 (jjimjilbang or sauna room) yesterday like we somehow near I'd hurt my back and need some hot, steam room action to heal my back (i.e. tail bone).

Oh, yeah, don't forget all the naked women, too~~ Seeing that kind of helps you forget you're in pain. Koreans are very conservative in terms of dressing. It's a "leg" culture in Korea.. you can show off your legs, but no boobies! Not the teensiest hint of your chest. Nothing below the neck or you're a whore. So anyways, these women walk around naked like it's nothing. When Ceara and I were heading back to the locker room to change into our clothes a women with only her underpants on was in a heated discussion with her friend on how much each one would pay for something. Thanks for blocking the aisle lady with the big, dangly boobs.

Anyways, we ended up watching Glee (liked the "Born this Way" ep better than last week's^^) and the newest episode of Community (beginning and ending were awesome, but the episode itself was meh T_T) before taking a nap.

Ended up waking up around 7pm to Ceara laughing at Colbert's stand-up on Roman Catholics and Lent.

Headed to downtown for flea market night at Kuntshalle and dinner at So, Blue.

Ended up buying some sweats and shorts in the underground shopping area leading to Kuntshalle.

Kuntshalle itself was a pretty awesome "warehouse" of fun. A bunch of artists in the Gwangju area, foreigners and Koreans alike, come together to sell their homemade products like jewelry, clothes, and styrofoam made into any outline you'd like. There was even a man who would draw your face onto a balllon (500 won if you didn't keep it, but 1,000 won = less than a dollar to take it home^^). I would have gotten myself a face balloon, but the line was too long. There was also a girl getting a tattoo in the middle of the freaking aisle. Thought it was henna at first, but nope, pretty sure it was a tat close up. Also had live no rae bang and a bar on the side. It's a place for eclectic and creative individuals to just hang out and chill. Definitely going back there again.

I just had to take a photo of the AMAZING poster at So, Blue. What better marketing than the cute innocent face of a cow marred with the eyes of a sinister man like Hannibal Lecter? ;D

The photo above does not serve it justice. For one, it's blurry; for another, the colors are off.

So, Blue has amazing sandwiches... They have REAL sandwiches with REAL pickles. Not the sweet kinds, but the yummy, salty ones! What else? Oh, and we got free orange juice. Very yummy..

Ceara and I decided to sign into their "guest book" and leave our own mark.

Concept by me, but drawing, writing, and creativity by Ceara. K-dramas: SO, original.

Other than that.. I ended the night sleeping away the pain that lingers at the end of my spine; my cursed tail bone.

I guess it means I can't participate in Sports Day at school this Wednesday *tear*

*{I think I'm done w/ clubbing for a very, very long time if not forever.}

Thankful

So the day started out just as gloomy as I would have predicted if it rained...

It didn't, but my emotions had gotten the better of me. I couldn't focus well enough to teach effectively, talk in a coherent manner, and walk with purpose. I was going through the motions. I felt the same I had many months ago when I first arrived at my apartment in Gwangju: alone and unaware of my surroundings. God quickly helped me lift my spirits up with every step I took, every thought I made, and every breath I took.

I don't have a clear understanding of why I'm so hopeful and happy in this moment, but I am.

Before when I wasn't looking for God.. it was hard to find him. Now that I am searching for more of him even when I don't think I am, I find plenty of evidence that He exists in my life.

When I'm more of a cynic than a lover, I find it hard to relate to anything or anyone. When I let go of that bitterness I find I relate easily to others... it's more than just coincidence.

2011 April 24 PostSecret #??:

"I'm afraid that my husband's actions may someday lead me to do things that will keep me out of heaven.

Romans 12:21"

My mother, while I only understood the surface value, pushed me to find ways to read the Bible and remember passages.. if not passages, at least little excepts here and there.

Romans 12:21 was the one she picked for me. Why? Because it ended in my birthday (December 21st). It'd be easier for me to remember. I thought it was a smart idea 'cause I always have trouble remembering passages and how to cite them. Romans 12:21. 12:21 12:21.. Romans. Romans. Romans. Romans 12:21. I can remember that.

"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." -- Romans 12:21

I feel that this can be apply to pretty much anything in life.

All our childhood shows are focused on this.

There is Captain Planet and those who seek to hurt Earth.

Batman and the evil villains who wreak havoc on Gotham.

Superman versus Lex Luthor's crazy plans to rule the world.

Listening to your parents or being known as a bad, rebellious kid.

Someone hit you? Give that person a lollipop. If you can't do that, just don't hit back.

Don't stoop to evil's level. Overcome it with good. Sometimes the concept is so ingrained we've become used to it. It becomes a simple plot line whose important lesson fades into the background.

And then there was an e-mail response to the above Postsecret:

"Romans 8:37-39" <3 It helped re-spark my poor faith to levels of blazing heat.

Romans 8:37-39 reads:

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

I don't claim to have any insights on time travelling, but this passage really helps me to know that God is/was/always will be there for me. In moments when I want to go back in time to a "happier" moment or fast forward to what I think will bring me "happiness.. I just realize that He is forever watching and sharing His love with me. No person, thing, place, event... will ever change that. There's no reason to NOT be joyful.

*{Ecclesiastes and Romans are now my favorite reads in the Bible <3 Oh, the rest of it is amazing, too, but those two are at the top when I'm feeling down^^}