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I DO talk too much. I am so much of a talker that it's weird when I don't talk.

I'm a better listener if the other person talks more than me.

Trying not to talk so much, so short post :]

*{MUST REALLY get on the school's case about letting me use the budget for MY CLASSES for school supplies and prizes instead of using my own money. I mean, I love the kids, but I'm broke :P}

Expectations

Goals and expectations have a lot of overlap, but strikingly important differences... at least to me^.^

What goals and expectations have in common:

• Both are hopes for the future
• Both are often strong motivators
• There's probably more, but I just can't think of any right now

Why they're different:

Goals: Think big picture. No matter what happens, big or small, it's about what happens in the end. I am not trying to sound pragmatic nor am I condoning doing whatever is necessary. My intention is to say that you should not be disheartened at whatever roadblock that comes in the way or if something does not go as one had hoped. Just overcome it and reach your goal.

Expectations: Think... disappointment when you don't get what you had hoped. Expectations can be the tiniest or things or the biggest. It itself can be a goal. Expectations are good because by no means should people lower their expectations just because they are too afraid to succeed. I do believe, however, people often have unrealistic expectations whether they realize this or not.

I really don't know where I was going with this post. I guess I'm annoyed at myself for having so many stupid expectations that are mostly out of habit rather than anything justifiable.

*{Slowly improving my TKD kicks~ Need to work on my balance during my roundhouse and reverse turn kicks >.< Reminds me~~ Goal: I want to get my black belt by the time I return to the states in 2012.}

Two months left

So what was a "Happy One, Two, Three.. Month(s) Anniversary" of being in Korea it's now become a.. "Only two months left until I go home!"

Of course, it's only a vacation. I'll be home in SoCal for a couple weeks of family and friends time, musicals, and great weather!

I would post more, but my brain is hurting. I may need to take a nap.

*{Slow Fade by Casting Crowns would probably be on my life soundtrack.}

Slow Fade

Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade

Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day

Oh be careful little eyes what you see
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh be careful little eyes what you see

-- Slow Fade by Casting Crowns --

*{Just had to come back on to post the lyrics... Felt it hit true for me.}

Staying in

"Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead."

II Corinthians 1:9

We are weak human beings. Even as I am posting this I had an urge to watch Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman versus posting this post i.e. spending more quiet time with God. Thankfully I decided to post this instead and ended up finding a cool vid of Casting Crowns's "Who Am I" song.

It saddens me to think that many of us are brought closer to God only because we are going through some sort of trial or another, but then again.. why not? As it says in the verse, it "happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God." It's sort of the way my family and I were brought closer together. If it were not for all the tears and the pain, we definitely would not enjoy our laughters as much nor with each other as often. I'm just thankful that I hold my family so dearly. Others seem to love their family, but not know them well. I have the pleasure of getting to know who they are and loving them for who they are; not just because they're my family. They have accepted me for who I am and love me regardless.

I just hope that my family can return to God.. have a strong foundation as they once had. I can not know what kind of relationship they have with God nor is my relationship any less rockier, but I can pray for the well-being of their lives as well as mine. And I do not mean worldly well-being.. I am struggling with the thought of being another citizen of this world or an ambassador of God. I really don't care for such things as beauty, purses, and what others think of me... but somehow I do desire worldly things like a faster computer, better camera, movies to watch, etc. I really wish I didn't...

I don't care for having a job that pays. I want a career that God has set aside for me whether it means teaching at an elementary school in Korea or backpacking across the world with nothing, but a Bible to share the good news.

So many things can be done with words.. I'm afraid to say the wrong things or have the worst timing.

But what more could I lose that hasn't already been lost?

God loves you whether you know, think, or believe he does/doesn't exist.

*{It's not because of who I am, but because of what He's done. Not because of what I've done, but because of what He is.}

Standing firm

A couple verses that stood out during my daily QT (quiet time i.e. Bible study/reading time).

I Corinthians 15:33

Do not be misled: "Bad company corrupts good character."

I Corinthians 15:58

Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

*{I want to find excuses to discuss God's love with other people.. any kind of discussion would be great as long as I get to talk about Him. I guess I shouldn't need an excuse. Less caring about what others think. More doing! God loves you!}

Productivity

On days when I'm lethargic...

in moments of grief...

in feelings of depression...

we need to remind each other that we must remain productive no matter what.

If not for others...

If not for ourselves...

Then for the glory of God.

I've been lazy... too lazy. I have grown a lot while in Korea. I've learned from my many experiences here. My eyes are less clouded though I'm still blind to many things. Today brought me great sadness, but also gave me the strength and purpose to do more.

Things on my mind today (some of this was posted previously):

• My mom has been showing signs of unhappiness lately (different than the norm), which has been worrying Helen unnie and my sister.. and then I find out my brother never liked her bf in the first place, which gets me VERY worried. I wish I was a better judge of character to know whether a person was good or not... :/
• My father and sister have been arguing a lot more lately
• My brother and Helen unnie ended up not getting the house they were supposed to get because the loan they applied for didn't get through (EVEN THOUGH the loan office PROMISED on MULTIPLE occasions that it would/"DID" go through~)
• As a result of my mom's unhappiness and my brother's house fall-out, my brother thought the best option would be to look for another house -- one for him, his family, my mom, and me
• My father is returning to Korea in a couple of months (this is more of a plus)

Now.. the last time I REALLY lived with my mom was when I was in high school (I'm not considering the times I went home on the weekend or vacation during my undergrad years). It was emotionally, spiritually, and physically draining/painful. I know she's better now, but by how much? *Sigh* I know it makes the most sense. My brother and mother argue all the time... I also argue with my mother a lot, but my mother loves spending time with us. I do love her.. I really do. It's hard to see myself living with her again w/o damaging myself again. *breathe* If my brother, Helen unnie, the kids, and I split up spending time with my mom.. it'll be good for her.

The other part that worries me is.. what the heck have I been doing in Korea all this time? I barely saved any money in Korea. I think I can pay off my school loans by the time I go back to the states in July, but that isn't saying much. I've been spending my money on too many frivolous things. I guess this reality check with my brother has got me to re-think my spending habits. I thought I was doing well, but not well enough. I need to start saving up to help my family get a house by next year.

I cried my eyes out, prayed my heart out, sang my lungs out, then took a nap 'cause I was beginning to get a headache.

I woke up to the sound of a friend who I hadn't seen in a while calling my phone.

I didn't answer at first, but got up four minutes later and called her back. We ended up having lunch since she had a doctor's visit near me. It was a good 3-4 hours of eating, talking, laughing, and chilling. Yummy spaghetti and 녹차 팥빙수 (green tea Korean shaved ice) were had. Helped me to forget my worries for a bit.

She had also already started on the job search for when she'll return back to the states at the end of July. Got me to thinking how lazy I've been in the anything search. She's not only thinking about what jobs she wants, but doing the actual research to see how she can make it happen. Granted, it's hard to do interviews while in Korea, she's doing the best she can.

So.. my goal by the time I return back to the states in July:

• Finish 75%-100% of TEFL course
• Finish TaLK extension application (I'd have to by next week ;P)
• Finish UHM/Grad school application essays (I'd need to get letters of rec, so I'll get those at a different time :)
• Finish other applications (Americorps, Peace Corps?, etc.)

I can do it!!! 할 수 있어! Si se puede!!!!!! できます!!!

Random tangent: Reminds me of (multiple) conversations I've had about winning the lottery. If I did, I'd spend it immediately on paying off my family's debts (including my extended family because that's how we roll <3).. my friends' debts ('cause there are many who have been through the same/similar/worse than me)... donate to some organizations, invest some, and then spend the rest on being able to volunteer across the globe. Travelling gets tiring after a while and 귀찮아 (troublesome), but volunteering is usually tiring and yet, always worth it.

*{My tail bone is about 80-90% healed. Please heal soon, so I can do tae kwon do again! Oh, I finally remembered all of tae guk 1장!}

Robots and tigers...

Do you believe that dreams hold a meaning?

I had a dream in which there were people escaping from rogue floating orb-like robots, which vaguely resembled the Deathstar.... oh, and there was a final garden of tigers we'd have to pass. We, as in.. what I can assume are two different entities that represent myself.. a fat chubby man and a young, innocent girl, are the only *survivors.* Everyone else runs from panic or decides to fight these strange things, but I, as the girl, realize that you don't need to do anything. Just believing that God is watching over you is enough (I guess I kept thinking about Daniel in the lion's den over and over in my dream). The fat man somehow ends up following the girl in one of his escapes and realizes her newfound secret, which wasn't really a secret. She was telling everyone else, but they had all run away. She walks past the robots.. it's as if she is invisible to them.. The tigers on the other hand are a different story. The man thinks he should walk on the periphery of the garden containing at least a dozen tigers, but it only makes them more agitated. The girl continues to walk through the tigers and begins to sing a song... I forget which one, but I think it was a song we used to sing at OKUMC.... the man's increasing fear/knowledge of his eventual death somehow leaked into the girl's mind... The one who was so sure at the beginning ended with one drop of doubt before she reached the end. No, the tigers didn't get her, but the dream ended before I could find out.

So, I ended up Skyping with my family finally.

It's a 4-day weekend for me here in Korea because we get an extra Mon-Tues. off for Buddha's Birthday, which seems ironic 'cause why would Buddhists celebrate his birth birth..doesn't that mean he's a "he" and a "man" and not a "Buddha." There's a beginning and end to him? Defining boundaries? *???* There are aspects of Buddhism I can relate to since it's similar to Christianity, but other aspects make me all confuddled.

Anyways~ I found out some distraught news from my brother, and it got me to break down in tears after the session was over. I haven't done this much crying since I first got to Korea. Before then? Back when I was in the States. Coming to Korea I'm a bit "stress-free," but none of the problems from back home changed. I either don't know what's going on or I have Korea to distract me.

My mom may be in a relationship with a questionable man, which causes our family to worry about her safety.

I can no longer move in with my sister in San Diego because.. well, you don't need to know (nothing bad though).

My brother and his family (wife, two kids) couldn't get the house they wanted because of horrible practices of a certain loan lender.

My brother thinks, and I don't like that he's right on this, him, his family (wife, two kids), my mother, and I should move in together into a house when I come back from Korea.

*breathe*

Oh, yeah~ my father and sister are on terrible terms now. He is also planning on returning to Korea permanently in the next two months. In a sad fortunate way.. I'm happy he'll be in Korea (in a selfish way... more for the well-being of my family than for his happiness). I just need to make sure we have as little as many family reunions during the rest of my time in Korea.

*sigh* I sound horrible and miserable, but.. while it seems like a time of mourning, I know our family will pull through whatever crap is thrown at us, and yes, A LOT has been thrown at us. Once we get over one obstacle.. we realize that it was one minute piece of a giant hole we've been in... We can do it!!!

God will make a way. He always has.

God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength
For each new day
He will make a way
He will make a way

By a roadway in the wilderness
You lead me
And rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and earth will fade
But His Word will still remain
He will do something new today

-- Don Moen

*{I guess no camera for me. Need to start saving up for that *house* we'll be getting..eventually.. hopefully.}

The day I became 70

It's more than just limping. I can't bend my back over at certain angles otherwise there's a pain that strikes my spine like a tiny lightning bolt. I hurt my tail bone while wearing worn down chucks with no traction and falling down a flight of wet granite stairs.

In actuality, the movements I make are more similar to that of a pregnant woman, but if I made a post titled "The day I became pregnant," people would get the wrong idea. Getting back to my movements.

In order to dissolve the pain my back needs to be at a 90 to 180+ degree angle with my legs. If I bend over to reach for my keys that have fallen on the ground.. I have to bend my legs first like a ballerina doing a plie exercise and, while my back is still straight, reach down for the pair of keys that would be my doom. If I happen to lean forward to look for where the keys are... *ZZZZZZZZZZAP* pain.

It seemed like fate that Ceara and I planned to a 찜질방 (jjimjilbang or sauna room) yesterday like we somehow near I'd hurt my back and need some hot, steam room action to heal my back (i.e. tail bone).

Oh, yeah, don't forget all the naked women, too~~ Seeing that kind of helps you forget you're in pain. Koreans are very conservative in terms of dressing. It's a "leg" culture in Korea.. you can show off your legs, but no boobies! Not the teensiest hint of your chest. Nothing below the neck or you're a whore. So anyways, these women walk around naked like it's nothing. When Ceara and I were heading back to the locker room to change into our clothes a women with only her underpants on was in a heated discussion with her friend on how much each one would pay for something. Thanks for blocking the aisle lady with the big, dangly boobs.

Anyways, we ended up watching Glee (liked the "Born this Way" ep better than last week's^^) and the newest episode of Community (beginning and ending were awesome, but the episode itself was meh T_T) before taking a nap.

Ended up waking up around 7pm to Ceara laughing at Colbert's stand-up on Roman Catholics and Lent.

Headed to downtown for flea market night at Kuntshalle and dinner at So, Blue.

Ended up buying some sweats and shorts in the underground shopping area leading to Kuntshalle.

Kuntshalle itself was a pretty awesome "warehouse" of fun. A bunch of artists in the Gwangju area, foreigners and Koreans alike, come together to sell their homemade products like jewelry, clothes, and styrofoam made into any outline you'd like. There was even a man who would draw your face onto a balllon (500 won if you didn't keep it, but 1,000 won = less than a dollar to take it home^^). I would have gotten myself a face balloon, but the line was too long. There was also a girl getting a tattoo in the middle of the freaking aisle. Thought it was henna at first, but nope, pretty sure it was a tat close up. Also had live no rae bang and a bar on the side. It's a place for eclectic and creative individuals to just hang out and chill. Definitely going back there again.

I just had to take a photo of the AMAZING poster at So, Blue. What better marketing than the cute innocent face of a cow marred with the eyes of a sinister man like Hannibal Lecter? ;D

The photo above does not serve it justice. For one, it's blurry; for another, the colors are off.

So, Blue has amazing sandwiches... They have REAL sandwiches with REAL pickles. Not the sweet kinds, but the yummy, salty ones! What else? Oh, and we got free orange juice. Very yummy..

Ceara and I decided to sign into their "guest book" and leave our own mark.

Concept by me, but drawing, writing, and creativity by Ceara. K-dramas: SO, original.

Other than that.. I ended the night sleeping away the pain that lingers at the end of my spine; my cursed tail bone.

I guess it means I can't participate in Sports Day at school this Wednesday *tear*

*{I think I'm done w/ clubbing for a very, very long time if not forever.}