Getting lost (in thoughts)

[edit/side-note: This post helps me relieve some stress. No need for concern. I find that I need moments of venting before I continue to be my perky self :]

My 17-year old self, hopped up on sugar and adrenaline, hopefully thinks, "Just *one* more year of this..."
Pre-SAT, SAT, ACT, if necessary, AP tests, etc.
Then college applications (without letters of recommendation 'cause I was too afraid to ask for any, but now realize I had many teachers of whom I was close with).

My 20-year old self, sleepy and questioning life, stresses for the next few years thinking, "Is this my quarter life crisis?"
Essay upon essay. Due date upon due date. Midterms. Finals. Rinse and repeat. Midterms. Research. Papers. Cram nights. Coffee. Finals. Hit repeat. First day. Due dates. Finals.
It's all a blur.

My current 25-year-old self asks, "It never ends, does it?"
CBEST, CSET, and RICA on top of papers, projects, and EdTPA in the midst of job searches, applications, and interviews.

*take a breath* *feel the heart beat*
It slows... at first. Now, I can feel the pulse of blood in my throat. The stress remains.





State it. Verse it. Theorize it. List it. Print it out. Make it real.

If only my thought came as neatly packaged as all the words in the prompts on the applications and exams I have and will complete.

* {My mind is trailing off into different forks of my mind. Whether or not my mind wanders, I will finish this EdTPA! :}

At a loss for words.. Language O.o

 No one speaks just one language.  Just by being alive we all speak multiple languages: non-verbal (physical responses such as a smile or a look of disdain), love, music, etc.  Gibbons describes having multiple academic literacies rather than a single literacy, which I thoroughly agree with—just because (if) you know English does not guarantee the fluidity at which you will be able to read, write, speak, and understand other areas of study taught in English.

I commend people in all of their language capabilities: reading/writing 1337, speaking pig Latin, understanding Morse code, reading braille, speaking Konglish/Spanglish/etc. I suppose I am highlighting such accomplishments because, over the course of a few readings for ED409, I realized how language can make one feel lonely.  As a native English speaker, I do not realize to the full extent the injustices placed upon people who may not speak the “proper academic English of the modern world.”  In this world, we often see injustice through the class system (though there are multiple groups it is often reduced to high wage earners/white collar jobs and the working class/blue collar jobs), race, gender, and even body type.  Yet we often forget the role language plays in our being judged or judging others.

Personally I believe that I have an innate desire to talk and talk and talk as an educator.  I am very used to telling others about what I know… however, I need a constant reminder that everyone has some knowledge to bring to the table or classroom.  As a future educator in the So Cal area, I will most likely come across students who have immigrant parents and are immigrants themselves.  My innate desire would be to immerse them in as much language as possible expecting as much response in English as possible… I have come to find out that a silent period of six months for a child who has moved countries is not unusual.  It also reminds me of the “silent teacher period” I was warned about and certainly came across when I first started student teaching.  Even though English is my native language, it was a different type of English I would learn to acquire after careful observation of my mentor during her interactions with the students.

On another note, I highly suggest reading Tongue-Tied. It contains stories and anecdotes related to simply (or not so simply) language.  It reminds me of a Chicken Book for the Soul feel where people pour in their experiences and feelings through short stories or poems.  Here are a few excerpts I found emotionally moving i.e. it actually made me teary-eyed or smile with joy:

• Elena by Pat Mora

-           “I’m forty, embarrassed at mispronouncing words, embarrassed at the laughter of my children, the grocer, the mailman. Sometimes I take my English book and lock myself in the bathroom, say the thick words softly, for if I stop trying, I will be deaf when my children need my help.”

• From Healing Earthquakes by Jimmy Santiago Baca

-          “the invader’s sword
the oppressor’s language—that hurled me into profound despairthat day Grandpa and I walked into the farm officefor a loan and this man didn’t give my grandpaan application because he was stupid, he said…”

• Chief Wachuseh by José Antonio Burciaga

-           “I love words such as wachuseh as much as the people who use them. The significance of such compressed words goes beyond their original meaning to say even more. Born in a bicultural and bilingual world, I have experienced the birth of new words, new worlds, ideas that came from two languages and two cultures, words that changed meanings and power…”

As a future educator, I must not forget the following…

“The most important lesson we can learn as teachers is that our students have unlimited potential”

-        (  Gibbons, English Learners, Academic Literacy, and Thinking [Kindle Location 222]).

I will not allow myself to fall into the pit of assuming one’s language represents anyone’s level of intelligence.  Hope and humility is key!

two oh one three

Eating everything in sight. Skirt twisted backwards. Fingers as swollen as sausages.
And surprisingly.. I'm alright.

Okay, I have a cold. I'm not in the best condition, but wow, so many blessings from this past year. Here's a short and simple welcoming the new year:
Happy (early) 2014! I'm too lazy to post at midnight.. it's 2014 somewhere :)

* {Hrm... my brain needs a trainer to help organize its thoughts and create stronger pathways...}

Life as a distraction

Sometimes I wonder (just as of late and not so often) if...
all of life is just one great big distraction.

This may be part of my downward trend of emotions lately (don't worry, it's just a natural effect of being in a grad program that takes so much time it becomes your life 24/7).
We are taught what should be said or done, what is inappropriate, then may possible learn there really is no right or wrong answer; sometimes you have to consider the external factors before you make a decision.

But what if all this talking about what society should and should not do, what wrongs have been committed against us, etc... is all a distraction? I guess there will always be a part of me that tries to tie everything back to... *dun dun DUN* God.

I feel distracted lately. To be honest, I did not go to church today nor have I been going consistently for a while now... I feel lost and confused without Him.

Hopefully, I will complete my thoughts at a later time. Although it's always been a habit of mine, it's now becoming a troublesome habit to start, but not finish tasks/thoughts.

*Been watching waaaaaay too much Dexter lately ;/

Opportunities to grow

Been bitter.
Been broken..
So damaged.

And yet, I still give thanks to God for providing me with opportunities to grow.

I'll be the glass half-full kind of girl (overall). And it's not about optimism exactly. It's about hope.. and faith.

I want to be a consistent person, but not one who is rigid and stuck in her ways.
As many thoughts and opinions I have, I, like everyone else in the world, am not perfect.
So as much as I want to remain the same person that I am, changing is a part of that. I want to consistently grow and become a better person. In order to do so, there will be many hardships to endure and overcome... eventually.

I guess it's time I start logging these hardships in detail... well, not here, of course :P

Expect the unexpected

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be."
[ - Douglas Adams - ]

This has, in a myriad of ways, been quite the most interesting start to a relationship I have had -- not that I've had many relationships.

This time it's different. He knows how to make me feel comfortable, relaxed, and giddy. We joke and make fun of each other, but it's really endearing. This is the relationship we have had and continue to have... except now it's romantic. And oh, he's good at being romantic. Even though I've had two longterm, (varying degrees of) serious relationships.. this all feels so new. There isn't the usual, "It's a bit awkward or uncomfortable now, but it'll get better" -- like the kiss that is a bit too much of one thing and not enough of the other or when you have contrasting views on [fill-in-the-blank]. Eventually the kisses get better. You get to know each other a lot better and start mimicking each other's quirks without realizing.

Instead, there's a lot of, "Is this really happening^^?" "Is he really as good as you think he is or would like him to be?"
.
..
...
Better.
It is better.
And continues to get better.
^_^]v

There's so much I want to share, but I fear it might be sharing too much information all too soon. Just wait and see. I bet you couldn't have expected this~
<3

I didn't^^;

Long overdue reflection(s)

It's been way too long since my last post. Too long since I've sat down to collect my thoughts.

Here's a short update on life:

- I finished my extension class at SDSU tonight. The best class I've had in my adult life. Definitely a life-changer. Ask me about it sometime, and I will pour my <3 out to you.

- Still unemployed, but that was more by choice. I sent it applications, but never really followed up on 'em. Now... time to get on it! Hrm.. the phrase somehow works in my head.

- The personalities of each individual in my family seem to clash. If there were a family fight there are usually two sides that form. There may be a neutral "hey, why can't we get along crowd," but that's either cause 1. they are humble enough to put aside their differences in order for everyone to co-exist or 2. they do not have a strong enough opinion on their own i.e. flip-floppers(?) that they argue for both sides. In ours, it's kind of like having 5 uniquely individual sides. No one is "teaming" up. Everyone is standing their own ground, and it's a stale-mate. It seems that I'm usually arguing with my sister, brother, and mother about 75% of the time we talk (my father is back in Korea, so I haven't talked to him in quite some time]. It must be me... so I've tried to keep quiet when around them. Hasn't worked so well considering I'm the type to let my emotions show easily, am quite blunt about problems, and subconsciously expect a solution to be made on the spot. I'd like to think that I balance my emotions and logic... and let it teeter this way and that when it matters. Sometimes you have to take risks while other times you need to be careful.

- Some things don't make sense. It just is. So I can't quite explain why I feel like this, but I know that my heart is slightly a flutter. *sigh......../ARGH*

- I realized I go into "productive/non-lazy" mode when I'm angry. I will write documents with ease, check back on overdue e-mails, etc. Not emotional angry. Downright I-want-to-break-something angry. It's when I become emotional, teary eyed angry that I lose focus and break down. Hrm.. maybe I should get angry more easily :P (postponing deadlines > cleaning; anger > productive work)

I guess my writing has always been freestyle, so let me amalgamate some other thoughts before I leave this post:

Purpose never dies, but can be found to not live
Desire without direction and boundaries becomes greed's best friend...
Desire with passion and discernment leads to purpose
I have the desire and passion, but granted too many roads
Help me, Lord, to discern where to go
<3 p="p">

[edit:]
I realize my posts aren't exactly specific about my life. For one, I think lives should be communicated in person if at all possible. For two, it isn't really about what I say, but rather how I feel when writing. My memories are more of a "how I felt when" instead of "what I was doing when." I am not good with specific names or details of places or things, but I can recall how I felt like deja vu or waking up from a dream you don't remember, but feeling sad/lost/happy/confused/etc. the moment you open your eyes.

"Are you an idiot? No, I'm a dreamer."