Long overdue reflection(s)

It's been way too long since my last post. Too long since I've sat down to collect my thoughts.

Here's a short update on life:

- I finished my extension class at SDSU tonight. The best class I've had in my adult life. Definitely a life-changer. Ask me about it sometime, and I will pour my <3 out to you.

- Still unemployed, but that was more by choice. I sent it applications, but never really followed up on 'em. Now... time to get on it! Hrm.. the phrase somehow works in my head.

- The personalities of each individual in my family seem to clash. If there were a family fight there are usually two sides that form. There may be a neutral "hey, why can't we get along crowd," but that's either cause 1. they are humble enough to put aside their differences in order for everyone to co-exist or 2. they do not have a strong enough opinion on their own i.e. flip-floppers(?) that they argue for both sides. In ours, it's kind of like having 5 uniquely individual sides. No one is "teaming" up. Everyone is standing their own ground, and it's a stale-mate. It seems that I'm usually arguing with my sister, brother, and mother about 75% of the time we talk (my father is back in Korea, so I haven't talked to him in quite some time]. It must be me... so I've tried to keep quiet when around them. Hasn't worked so well considering I'm the type to let my emotions show easily, am quite blunt about problems, and subconsciously expect a solution to be made on the spot. I'd like to think that I balance my emotions and logic... and let it teeter this way and that when it matters. Sometimes you have to take risks while other times you need to be careful.

- Some things don't make sense. It just is. So I can't quite explain why I feel like this, but I know that my heart is slightly a flutter. *sigh......../ARGH*

- I realized I go into "productive/non-lazy" mode when I'm angry. I will write documents with ease, check back on overdue e-mails, etc. Not emotional angry. Downright I-want-to-break-something angry. It's when I become emotional, teary eyed angry that I lose focus and break down. Hrm.. maybe I should get angry more easily :P (postponing deadlines > cleaning; anger > productive work)

I guess my writing has always been freestyle, so let me amalgamate some other thoughts before I leave this post:

Purpose never dies, but can be found to not live
Desire without direction and boundaries becomes greed's best friend...
Desire with passion and discernment leads to purpose
I have the desire and passion, but granted too many roads
Help me, Lord, to discern where to go
<3 p="p">

[edit:]
I realize my posts aren't exactly specific about my life. For one, I think lives should be communicated in person if at all possible. For two, it isn't really about what I say, but rather how I feel when writing. My memories are more of a "how I felt when" instead of "what I was doing when." I am not good with specific names or details of places or things, but I can recall how I felt like deja vu or waking up from a dream you don't remember, but feeling sad/lost/happy/confused/etc. the moment you open your eyes.

"Are you an idiot? No, I'm a dreamer."

Ramblings... dig deeper

I wish I knew where to start. Ever.
There are just so many thoughts that I don't know which matters sometimes.. and if it does matter, how do I prioritize? Also, on this note, I'm pretty sure I have a mild form of ADHD (or passive ADHD), but just never been officially tested to check. Oh well, too late to check now I guess, but just the thought of having it makes sense of a lot of question marks in my life. Like why it'd take me 30 minutes to pray to God because I went on so many different tangents not thinking about the prayer.. why my writing and thinking are so disjointed at times -- all the time; why I have the problem of interrupting people; why I can't be concise in my speaking... tangents tangent tangent. Oh, and not really recollecting any real substantial information from all the books I read in middle and high school. I'll read pages and pages over and over. Sometimes 5x, but I'll still remember nothing from the page. I'll just be thinking about how weird my hand looks or focus on the whirring sound of the computer next to me. Ironic thing is.. if I turned off the computer and took away all the distractions, then I thought it'd be harder to focus/study. I needed those distractions to retain an iota of information from the book.

Oh, and the reason I wanted to write this post: I still want to write a book on my family. Just a historical biography of what has happened to my family. Whether or not I try, it'd still be written through my biases, so it'll probably come off as a "Korean drama." That's not exactly what I'm going for, but I'm interested in learning about my family's history..

* {Trying to cram 12 years of education into 1.5 months.. yay studying for the CSET ><}

PUSH: Prayer requests

I created a fb group for my siblings and me where we could share our concerns and pray for each other. It had been inactive for a few months until I posted this a couple of days ago:


Hey, so not sure if you guys check this anymore, but prayers would be appreciated as I'm planning my future. I'm considering a lot of different options, but want to make sure God's voice is heard before my desires. ♥

Mainly because I'm still wishy washy on where I want to go. I know I'm meant to be a teacher and help children. I've always had a calling to help others... somehow. I couldn't see myself stuck in an office forever or lab trying to figure this and that. Sure, those things can indirectly help people, but I was meant to enrich lives. Show them that living isn't just breathing. I am meant to share God's love. Here's the response I got:

I learned something about faith and God... Faith comes with doubt, that's Gods way of testing us. If we knew exactly what God wanted us to do then it'd be to easy. Go with the path that came to your mind the most, but know that he put obstacles in that path to test your faith. At the end, as long you do it for his glory then he'll be happy.

I guess it's a sort of nervous excitement I feel when wanting to go abroad. Excited that I get to see new places and, hopefully, impact new communities.. nervous about leaving *home/family/friends* and even MORE so at the thought I might not want to return.


All in all, God will be with me throughout. More praying is on the way!


* {"Pray until something happens..."}

Don't need to be liked anymore

It's something I had to get used to. In truth, no one likes to be dis-liked.
But I learned how to take in what matters and what didn't. Priorities you could say.


Priorities like following your principles through and through.
Priorities like being liked for the right reasons instead of the wrong.


Which in turn means learning how to take in who matters and who didn't.


And so I learned that it's okay to be dis-liked.  Even if it's from people who you love or admire. It's okay because eventually, hopefully, they'll understand your reasons and respect you.






The first time I learned this was sometime around high school when someone who I thought of as an acquaintance thought of me as a close friend, so he got mad when I hung out with others and not him. And I figured... I'll just leave it at that: acquaintance.


The most recent time is when I was volunteering this past Tuesday. There is a boy, let's just say JY, who gets upset when he is losing a game -- in truth, all of the students can get like this when they are behind in points.  JY gets more frustrated than the others because he is younger, so he doesn't understand as much English as the other kids. I told him that the point of the English class was to make mistakes...
No one is perfect the first time around, so I told him it's better to have made an effort and make 실수s/mistakes. I also went on to say that playing games isn't always about winning. Winning is fun, but you have to take joy in your friends' winning streak, too -- not just when you happen to win. He wasn't very happy when I said this quietly while the others were still continuing to play. He didn't say good-bye when I left.


I know he'll get over it and, hopefully, learn from it. But the idea is...
don't always take the action or say the words that will make you "popular."
It's not what matters.


* {I wonder if this is how parents feel when disciplining their children. I know I was a bad kid ><}

Old blog posts

Strange reading old blog posts. Is this what it's like to have amnesia -- feeling like a stranger to your own thoughts, but slowly remembering how you came to be?  2012.May.31 KST


I wrote that earlier today as my Facebook status.


And it got me thinking. How I would love to talk to my other selves. Gather up "me" in different times in my life. Have the past, present, and future "me." There may be more than one past and future "me," but regardless.. I would like to speak to them me.


I'm one of those people who like to be right at the end of it all.
Some people know this while the other innocents don't.
So if I had an argument with myself... who'd win? What would be the prevailing principle at the end of the day that I would stand for? Who would I be at the end of it all?


We change. It's a matter of nature. We should change. The experiences we've gathered from this mistake and that help shape us into who we are. At the same time, I want to know I'm still a good person regardless of what I went through. I have the inkling feeling that while I am changing for the better in some aspects, not so much in other categories.


If I'm found wrong, I try to understand why I'm wrong and am willing to adopt a new idea as true. At the same time, I hope I'm not constantly allowing myself to be pulled into whatever mischief this world has to offer.






At the end of the day.. at the end of it all.. am I still a good person?






* {At the end of it all, I thank God for all that He has given and provided for me.}

Dream big

Stuff I won't mind would happen:

• Live and work in any of the following places
• Hawaii
• Jeju (Korea)
• Anywhere in Europe
• Australia (preferably Eastern coast)
• Somewhere in South America (maybe Brazil if I learn Portuguese)
• Become a foster parent
• Learn how to live with my mother without actually living in the same house with her
• Visit the following places:
• Other states in the US like New York, Illinois, Texas, and Maryland or Virginia
• New Zealand
• Canada
• All of the SE Asian countries
  All of the continents at least once..or all except Antarctica twice ;)
• Learn how to garden
• Get into GRAD SCHOOL
• [edit: Write a book/help co-author a book/have a book about my family's history published. I'm not a great writer, so I don't care how as long as a book about my family is somehow published :]

*sigh* I need to stop making these lists and just get out there and DO!

* {But these lists are fun, aren't they?}

Selective memory

I remember the good and the bad.
It's what I choose to mention that bothers me.
Why focus on the negative?
*sigh*


Focus and speak the positive! The negative will eventually fade...


It's not what goes in that matters, but what comes out.
Whatever has happened to us.. is beyond our control.
What we can control is what we say and how we react to things.


Focus on the positive! Speak positively!




* {I can do it! I will do it! I am doing it!}

Can I stay here forever...

Through forgotten convictions

Misplaced affections

I'm losing the sound of Your voice

I've been chasing after emptiness

Trying to tidy up this mess

I swear I've been down this road before

I want to get back to where it all began

When I would long for only You

Like a child I'll take You at Your word

As these mountains of doubt, they fade away

I'm longing to trust and love You more

So for me this is beautiful

A brand new thought, and a brand new world

Can I stay here forever here with You?

I've lost sight of what first drew me

To the love that pursued me

The joy that inspired my song

The friendship that was all I knew

The arms that I would fall into

Seem miles and years from where I am today

I got to get back to where it all began

When I would wait for only You

Can I stay here forever

Here with you?

Surrounded by Your mercy

Clothed in Your truth

Always, I'll stay

Always here with You

Can I be here forever

Here with You?

Can I know what it's like

To deeply love You?

Always, Lord, let me stay

Always, here with You

- Starfield -

* {When setting goals we often forget to expect problems along the way.}

Becoming a do-er

There are those who say something.. and they mean it.
They're the doers. Hopefully what they say and do match up.


I'm the say-er. I often say one thing w/ little intention of doing or saying it in the heat of the moment. It's so much easier to say things to motivate others. So much harder when the person you are speaking to is your own reflection. I'm not afraid to tell my friends that they make time for things that are important to them. So when they constantly say they should make time for this or that.. I ask, "Why haven't you already?"




Why haven't I?




* {I know why people have trainers now.}

Don't want to forget

It's more... I can't forget.
I want to, but it's so embedded into me;
it's shaped me into who I am -- probably not the reasons I should've changed for.


Forgiveness. Something we all struggle with.
Sometimes it's a matter of catharsis, but it's not so simple as they portray in movies.
It's not one speech by you or the person who hurt you.
It's not one act that shows you still care about that person or them offering an act of apology.
It's not one long session of crying saying, "I (want to) forgive you," and think that's that.


It's a process. It takes time. It's not about closure. You live with it. You may or may not always feel that pain, but it's -- at least for me -- about not using whatever hurt they caused you... against them.


Don't be spiteful.
Don't say you forgive them, then hold it against them.
Don't let yourself be fooled that you can easily forgive and forget.
In a way, it makes you a better person knowing; not forgetting.
And still loving them.


In no way am I trying to make myself appear better than others. I have many flaws.
I only hope that if anyone is hurting in whatever shape or form...
maybe they can learn to forgive.

Forgiving is a daily conscience action. It's not a one stop and go type of thing.
You have to remind yourself mentally and emotionally.
































This probably doesn't apply to a lot of people, and that's okay.
This just applies to me.
I realized that pain doesn't describe me anymore. It did at the time, and it did for many years after. But I'm not that girl who is suffering.  I shouldn't sabotage the relationship with the person who hurt me just because of something they did many years ago. It still hurts when I think about it, but if I held it against them, then I'd be the only one hurting.


I mean.. we all do stupid things. Some things are intentionally hurtful, but hopefully it's not.
But even then, we aren't at fault. Even if we mean the best, people will get hurt. Sometimes we realize this; usually we don't. Hopefully we will ask for forgiveness, but it doesn't guarantee that the other will in fact forgive you. They'll just know that you had the courtesy/gall to ask. 




I've been forgiving.
I am forgiving.
I'm in the process of forgiving.
I'll never stop forgiving.






* {Let's hope I don't forget all this <3} 


[edit: I hope you are forgiving me.]

Trapped

I haven't had this feeling in a while. The last few *memorable times are from being back in Socal. Feeling liked I couldn't escape. Just staying in... not knowing where to go if I went out.


Why is it that I mainly feel this way towards my family? I really loathe the idea of familial obligations (i.e. why can't you just do it out of love and respect for them? It's not always the case). But it seems more binding than the ones you have with friends. Sure, there are those besties that are in essence your second family, but you can always decide to cut ties with the not-so-great friends. Not always the case with family. I mean.. I guess you could cut ties with family, but it usually takes more effort. You either gotta live outta state or avoid the rest of your family (if your immediate and extended family are big on family reunions).


Trapped.


I guess it is selfish of me to not really make an effort to see them. This is the side of me that is very anti-social and basically one of those you'd-think-she-has-five-shrinks (one for each day of the week). I don't know what it is within me, but I just shut down. I'm not as bright and bubbly as I normally am. I don't answer their questions -- usually. The reason is that I don't want to lie. When they ask, "Isn't it great living with your dad? You're lucky. Aren't you happy living with your dad?"
What am I supposed to say. My answer won't please them. The best I can conjure up is that "our relationship is the best it's been in the past decade." I can't honestly say without cringing that I am happy about this situation. I'd rather...
Dang, there I go being selfish again. I'm making the best of things. Can't they just understand that this is as much as I can do right now?


* {I miss LA.}

Challenges accepted

Challenge one:
I'm going to make an effort to post every other day, so I can improve on.. many things. First of all, it'll help improve my writing skills, which is slowly rotting away each day as I live in this country. Actually... I blame being in Korea, but in all honestly, I would probably be the same in America having graduated college some year and a half ago. Secondly, to help gather my thoughts. I'm either so spaced out or delirious that I can't quite pinpoint what I'm feeling or thinking. I refuse to accept this state of "floopy." I am more than just... dazed O.o There are a few other reasons, but I'm not even sure if I realize what it is now. I'm sure it'll come to me in later posts.


Challenge two:
Create 1000 cranes in 100 days, which breaks down to folding 10 a day.
Oh, and taking photos of it. This is to help me use my camera. Sounds simple. It is.
I feel guilty for buying an expensive piece of equipment i.e. my camera.. and end up not really using it. At least this way get to learn more about how to use my camera and still keep up with my crane project (create at least one crane a day and leave it where ever I made it). For now, I'm just collecting the cranes in a sparkling wine bottle from New Years. I don't think all 1000 will fit in there, but it looks pretty anyways. Photos to come.. possibly ;]


I guess I should add studying for the GRE and working out each day as part of my challenges.. o well kekeke~




* {Oh, how t.v. shows affect daily life.}