Trapped

I haven't had this feeling in a while. The last few *memorable times are from being back in Socal. Feeling liked I couldn't escape. Just staying in... not knowing where to go if I went out.


Why is it that I mainly feel this way towards my family? I really loathe the idea of familial obligations (i.e. why can't you just do it out of love and respect for them? It's not always the case). But it seems more binding than the ones you have with friends. Sure, there are those besties that are in essence your second family, but you can always decide to cut ties with the not-so-great friends. Not always the case with family. I mean.. I guess you could cut ties with family, but it usually takes more effort. You either gotta live outta state or avoid the rest of your family (if your immediate and extended family are big on family reunions).


Trapped.


I guess it is selfish of me to not really make an effort to see them. This is the side of me that is very anti-social and basically one of those you'd-think-she-has-five-shrinks (one for each day of the week). I don't know what it is within me, but I just shut down. I'm not as bright and bubbly as I normally am. I don't answer their questions -- usually. The reason is that I don't want to lie. When they ask, "Isn't it great living with your dad? You're lucky. Aren't you happy living with your dad?"
What am I supposed to say. My answer won't please them. The best I can conjure up is that "our relationship is the best it's been in the past decade." I can't honestly say without cringing that I am happy about this situation. I'd rather...
Dang, there I go being selfish again. I'm making the best of things. Can't they just understand that this is as much as I can do right now?


* {I miss LA.}

Challenges accepted

Challenge one:
I'm going to make an effort to post every other day, so I can improve on.. many things. First of all, it'll help improve my writing skills, which is slowly rotting away each day as I live in this country. Actually... I blame being in Korea, but in all honestly, I would probably be the same in America having graduated college some year and a half ago. Secondly, to help gather my thoughts. I'm either so spaced out or delirious that I can't quite pinpoint what I'm feeling or thinking. I refuse to accept this state of "floopy." I am more than just... dazed O.o There are a few other reasons, but I'm not even sure if I realize what it is now. I'm sure it'll come to me in later posts.


Challenge two:
Create 1000 cranes in 100 days, which breaks down to folding 10 a day.
Oh, and taking photos of it. This is to help me use my camera. Sounds simple. It is.
I feel guilty for buying an expensive piece of equipment i.e. my camera.. and end up not really using it. At least this way get to learn more about how to use my camera and still keep up with my crane project (create at least one crane a day and leave it where ever I made it). For now, I'm just collecting the cranes in a sparkling wine bottle from New Years. I don't think all 1000 will fit in there, but it looks pretty anyways. Photos to come.. possibly ;]


I guess I should add studying for the GRE and working out each day as part of my challenges.. o well kekeke~




* {Oh, how t.v. shows affect daily life.}