Trapped

I haven't had this feeling in a while. The last few *memorable times are from being back in Socal. Feeling liked I couldn't escape. Just staying in... not knowing where to go if I went out.


Why is it that I mainly feel this way towards my family? I really loathe the idea of familial obligations (i.e. why can't you just do it out of love and respect for them? It's not always the case). But it seems more binding than the ones you have with friends. Sure, there are those besties that are in essence your second family, but you can always decide to cut ties with the not-so-great friends. Not always the case with family. I mean.. I guess you could cut ties with family, but it usually takes more effort. You either gotta live outta state or avoid the rest of your family (if your immediate and extended family are big on family reunions).


Trapped.


I guess it is selfish of me to not really make an effort to see them. This is the side of me that is very anti-social and basically one of those you'd-think-she-has-five-shrinks (one for each day of the week). I don't know what it is within me, but I just shut down. I'm not as bright and bubbly as I normally am. I don't answer their questions -- usually. The reason is that I don't want to lie. When they ask, "Isn't it great living with your dad? You're lucky. Aren't you happy living with your dad?"
What am I supposed to say. My answer won't please them. The best I can conjure up is that "our relationship is the best it's been in the past decade." I can't honestly say without cringing that I am happy about this situation. I'd rather...
Dang, there I go being selfish again. I'm making the best of things. Can't they just understand that this is as much as I can do right now?


* {I miss LA.}