Don't want to forget

It's more... I can't forget.
I want to, but it's so embedded into me;
it's shaped me into who I am -- probably not the reasons I should've changed for.


Forgiveness. Something we all struggle with.
Sometimes it's a matter of catharsis, but it's not so simple as they portray in movies.
It's not one speech by you or the person who hurt you.
It's not one act that shows you still care about that person or them offering an act of apology.
It's not one long session of crying saying, "I (want to) forgive you," and think that's that.


It's a process. It takes time. It's not about closure. You live with it. You may or may not always feel that pain, but it's -- at least for me -- about not using whatever hurt they caused you... against them.


Don't be spiteful.
Don't say you forgive them, then hold it against them.
Don't let yourself be fooled that you can easily forgive and forget.
In a way, it makes you a better person knowing; not forgetting.
And still loving them.


In no way am I trying to make myself appear better than others. I have many flaws.
I only hope that if anyone is hurting in whatever shape or form...
maybe they can learn to forgive.

Forgiving is a daily conscience action. It's not a one stop and go type of thing.
You have to remind yourself mentally and emotionally.
































This probably doesn't apply to a lot of people, and that's okay.
This just applies to me.
I realized that pain doesn't describe me anymore. It did at the time, and it did for many years after. But I'm not that girl who is suffering.  I shouldn't sabotage the relationship with the person who hurt me just because of something they did many years ago. It still hurts when I think about it, but if I held it against them, then I'd be the only one hurting.


I mean.. we all do stupid things. Some things are intentionally hurtful, but hopefully it's not.
But even then, we aren't at fault. Even if we mean the best, people will get hurt. Sometimes we realize this; usually we don't. Hopefully we will ask for forgiveness, but it doesn't guarantee that the other will in fact forgive you. They'll just know that you had the courtesy/gall to ask. 




I've been forgiving.
I am forgiving.
I'm in the process of forgiving.
I'll never stop forgiving.






* {Let's hope I don't forget all this <3} 


[edit: I hope you are forgiving me.]